Undeserving Second Chances

When I saw the NEVERBEYOND poster for this week, I cringed and not because I have anything against Mike Tyson…I don’t.  Despite all his wrong-doings and bad decisions, I don’t hold anything against him.  He has shown in recent years that he is a different person and I have no reason to think the changes aren’t sincere and true. I am cringing though…because even as I type this, I am realizing that I am basing my grace & forgiveness of Tyson on his behaviour in recent years rather than simply giving it. That’s not grace or forgiveness.  We don’t give it because it’s deserved…it is NEVER deserved!  We give it because we have received the same from the ONLY perfect person able to truly give such a gift.  We’ve been offered it and we’ve accepted it and in turn we are told to give it…unearned, unasked for, undeserving, freely and without strings.

But that’s not the only reason I have been gritting my teeth and cringing at this one.  It’s for far more personal reasons.  It’s easy to forgive Mike Tyson and not hold his past against him because he’s done his time, he’s made his apologies,  he’s owned up to his wrong-doings and has in many ways suffered the consequences of them.  He’s paid his debt and it’s easy to let him off with that knowledge in mind.  But what about those who haven’t?

I have a personal connection with rape and domestic abuse.  I was 15 when I was raped by a boy/man who I thought cared for me.  He denied it…even moments after it happened.  In fact, he bragged to all his friends how he had “scored” with me, letting it be known that I had given it up willingly and easily.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  Every time he told the story, every time someone ridiculed and shunned me as a result, I experienced the rape over again. My response to that at the time was to walk away with my head down, shoulders bowed under the weight of what I now thought to be true about myself- that I didn’t matter enough to be respected when I said no…nor did I matter enough for someone to stand up in defense of me.  As you can imagine, that experience coloured much of my experience in the years following….it influenced my choices and my views of love and sex.  And because I didn’t deal with that for so many years, it affected my ability to make wise choices in terms of future boyfriends and eventually my life partner.

Long before I began to work through and deal with the hurts of my youth, I met and married my, now, ex-husband.  It was a dating relationship in which I dominated.  He was “all about me”….showering me with gifts, special trips, allowing me to have my way whenever a disagreement or difference in opinion came up.  I thought nothing of it…and that, combined with the fact that he talked a really good game, had me certain I was in love.  We never talked about the important stuff (kids, life goals, our faith…we both grew up in the church, were both missionary kids, of course we both believed the same things).  We never discussed how we would handle conflict, money or parenting strategies, nothing.  Almost immediately after we were married the control and abuse began and for 8 years I lived in an environment of uncertainty, anger, mistreatment and disrespect.

Now one cannot live in an abusive environment without, at some point, exhibiting some of the same behaviours.  I would be remiss to say that I was completely innocent of all wrong-doing in my marriage. However, the truth remains that I lived for 8 years in a home where I felt unsafe; where fights weren’t just arguments but almost always involved physical abuse or the threat of it; where no didn’t mean no…it meant torment until it was a yes.

In both of those instances the person involved has never accepted responsibility for their actions.  They have never apologized.  They haven’t done their time or paid their debt.  They have simply gone on with life…in one instance totally hating me for having left and the other completely convinced that they did indeed “score”.

I have had to fight through and come to terms with what has happened.  I have had to forgive both of these men despite the fact that, in the world's eyes, they really don't deserve it.  I have forgiven them even though I have every right to hate them, to wish them dead. 

But you know what? It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and have let go of the past and that you don’t hold those things against them any longer even if they haven’t asked you.  When you imagine them standing in front of you confessing their wrong-doings and taking responsibility for their actions, asking for forgiveness, it's suddenly not so easy.  When I replace the picture of Mike Tyson and put that of the guy from high school or that of my ex-husband…suddenly it’s a very different thing altogether….and I cringe. Because the truth is….I don’t know if I could, without hesitation or a struggle, tell either of these men that I forgive them if they stood in front of me. There are days when the reality of what has happened comes rushing back and I want to see them suffer and forgiveness is the last thing I want to give them because they haven’t changed.  That is where the beauty and total incredibleness of the grace and forgiveness God extends to us through His Son Jesus blows my mind.  HE HAS DONE THAT….HE has forgiven even the worst of us without needing to see that we have changed first.  In fact, the changes most often start to happen AFTER we have accepted the gift He offers.  And because of that, NO ONE IS BEYOND GRACE AND FORGIVENESS.  It is because He has done that for me that I am able to extend grace and forgiveness, even in those hard moments when the memories flood my mind.*

I hope one day I have the opportunity to stand in front of both of these men and say the words “I forgive you” and I hope that one day they are able to accept the gift of grace that we have all been given.  I hope that even today they are beginning to grasp the reality of what has been done for them on the cross and that they can begin to live out new lives characterized by that grace.  I hope and pray that they have the chance to make things right in their lives before it’s too late.  Because despite the things they have done that have caused me pain, I don’t want to imagine Heaven without them there. Because Heaven is home to those given second chances.

 “Everyone needs compassion…a love that’s never failing…. Everyone needs forgiveness…the kindness of a Saviour…the hope of nations…” (Mighty to Save – Hillsong Live)

 We are all NEVER BEYOND….

*Please, if you are in a relationship where there is abuse happening, TELL SOMEONE.  Seek help.  Get out and get safe.  BREAK THE CYCLE.  If you aren’t sure how to do that, or who to talk to, talk to me.  Send me a message.  Check out my “wanna get in touch?” page to see how.

This post is part of the blog series “Never Beyond.” People of the Second Chance has launched the Never Beyond Poster Series: 25 posters representing well known historical, current and fictional characters who are believed to have harmed society. This campaign consists of digital and print posters and the full collection will eventually be displayed as a touring art exhibit. The campaign draws out themes of forgiveness, grace and what a pathway to a second chance looks like.

Copy & Paste...Join the Boycott!

“Dear Little Caylee, Tonight on ET [Entertainment Tonight] they mentioned that your mommy is gonna make lots of money off a book (her story) and a movie. Caylee, we the public promise you "WE" will not buy either one. If you promise CAYLEE, then Copy and Paste it......I did!! Lets boycott this so she won't make a dime. Re-post if you will join.”

I saw this tonight on Facebook.

This is what I really want to say in response:

“God help you if you ever find yourself in a position when everyone has decided you’ve done something unforgiveable and decides you should be punished for life for it. Have you forgotten that we are ALL sinners, we are ALL undeserving of the grace and forgiveness we have received?  Have you forgotten that without it, you are no better than she? What part of this boycott declaration is in keeping with what the Bible teaches about judgement?  Where in the Bible does it say we should only extend grace and forgiveness and second chances to the innocent?  Didn’t Jesus, as he was dying on that cross, declare the thief hanging next to him to be free of his sins?

EVERYONE is deserving of a second chance, even those you don’t think deserve one, including Casey Anthony. 

Is it any wonder the world wants nothing to do with the church when the very people who have experienced grace and forgiveness are often the last ones to give it??  WHEN will we stop judging and playing the role of God and start really being Jesus in this world?  If we say we want to be more like Him, why aren’t we?  Yes there are consequences to our actions and when we do wrong, when we sin and hurt others, we have to be held accountable.  But there is a big difference between accountability and judgement.  When will we allow God to do the judging while we do the loving?

When will we as a community start living lives that declare NEVER BEYOND to the world, when will we really be different?  When will we reach out to the lost and broken and unworthy and show them mercy and hope and love? When will I?”

That is what I wanted to say in response to that Facebook status.  But I didn’t.  Instead I said nothing…but I don’t know if that’s the right response either.

What about you?  What would be, or will be, your response if you see someone you are friends with post that as their status?  What do you think that tells the world about your faith if you were to post the same thing?  How does it make you feel when you read it?

NEVER BEYOND     PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE 

Who Could You Give A Second Chance?

I’ve been thinking about this question for the last couple of days, trying to come up with a person or a group of people I have struggled to forgive but whom, like everyone else, is in need of grace and forgiveness.  I’ve had a few names float in and out of my mind, some people who have hurt me personally and others who have either hurt a group of people or have done things absolutely horrific and unimaginable.  People like Casey Anthony.  But there has been one person that has consistently stayed in my mind as I’ve pondered this.  I am certain if you asked Casey Anthony this question her answer would likely be the same as my own….who is someone I can give a second chance to?

You might be surprised to hear that my answer is me.  I am someone that I have to choose to give a second chance to just as I have to choose to give Casey a second chance.  The only difference between us is that my life and choices haven’t been plastered all over the media, haven’t been witnessed to in a courtroom, haven’t been examined and talked about by millions of people and yet….

For many years I have struggled to forgive myself for the things I have done, the mistakes I have made, and the lives I have likely helped mess up.  I struggled to accept that grace, forgiveness and redemption were things that applied to me. I was beyond those things.  I didn’t deserve them nor could I earn them and therefore they were ideas that applied to others but never to someone like me who over and over screwed up in big ways.  “Never beyond” was a concept that I could not grasp when looking at myself.  

I am a woman who has had more than one “slutty phase”.  I am a woman who was unfaithful to her husband.  I am a woman who allowed hatred and abuse to infiltrate my home and who allowed my children to live in that environment for years.  I am a woman who spent her way into almost unrecoverable debt.  I am a woman who yelled at her children just for existing, for requiring more of me than I could give them, for the bulk of their lives (they are now 11 & 9, the yelling ended about 2 years ago).  I am a woman who has stated belief in certain ideas and morals only to turn around and act completely opposite to those.  I am a woman who has wallowed in self-hate and self-doubt.

I am a woman for whom NEVER BEYOND is my reality.  I will never be beyond the reach of the One who knew I was going to do all those things long before I was born. He knew I was going to need grace and forgiveness and set about making sure it was ready and available to me by dying on the cross and taking all of those horrible things I have done on Himself, wiping the slate clean before it was even written on.  It has always been much easier for me to extend grace and forgiveness to those who have hurt me, who have hurt others, but never has it been easy to accept it for myself.  Yet GOD, who is absolutely perfect, HE extends it to me.  If He can look at me and see these things and if HE can consider me never beyond His reach, His grace, His forgiveness, how can I not forgive myself?

Who have I given a second chance?  Myself.  I have given myself the opportunity to write a different story, a different ending, by accepting forgiveness and grace for myself from the author of grace, God.  And I am a vastly different woman now.  I am now a woman who is waiting for marriage, who has become picky about who gets to have her heart.  I am now a woman who intends to do whatever it takes to remain faithful to the man I may someday marry, no matter what life brings our way.  I am now a woman who has taken a stand against abuse and hatred and is building a home in which love reigns supreme, where God is central.  I am now a woman who is climbing out of debt and is regaining control of her finances.  I am now a woman who is talking with her kids, who is enjoying them and loving them, who misses them and looks forward to being with them.  I am now a woman who stands firm in her beliefs and convictions and moral ideals and when moments of weakness come, when I feel myself wavering, I know where to turn for help.  I am a woman who no longer wallows.

God is taking my life and writing a different story than the one that has come before now.  He's writing a story of redemption, forgiveness, grace and hope.  God is writing a story with my life that declares there is no such thing as beyond, that no matter how awful your life has been, how horrible the consequences of your choices have been in your own life or the lives of others, YOU ARE NEVER BEYOND GRACE.  YOU ARE NEVER BEYOND FORGIVENESS. YOU ARE NEVER BEYOND A SECOND CHANCE.  And the freedom that comes when you accept that is beyond words.  Before you will ever be able to truly see others as being never beyond, you must first see yourself that way…because no matter who we look at we will always be able to see a part of ourselves in them.  And if we are seeing ourselves as being beyond grace and second chances we will never be able to extend such to others.  

So who could YOU give a second chance to? 

There are others who are writing similar stories to my own. Check them out.  Go to PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCE and see for yourself just how awesome God’s grace and forgiveness is.  And to learn more about the NEVER BEYOND campaign, check out this post:  NEVER BEYOND POSTER SERIES.