I see this in her. My mom is dying. We really cannot deny it. I am sure she knows it too as her body is slowly emaciated by pain, by the tumor, by the effects of death. Yet the other day, the idea that others would say she is dying made her angry. It was as if she could keep it from happening as long as it wasn’t said or like the person saying it is giving up hope, losing faith, by saying it, “Don’t say it…even if I am” were the words she spoke.
I can’t help but wonder: have we given up hope? Have I given up hope? By accepting what is inevitable, what I can see happening in front of me, am I losing faith? Am I not trusting or believing in miracles? Or am I accepting that sometimes the miracles simply don’t happen when we are here on this earth? I have had moments when I have felt guilty over the last couple months as I have prayed, not for her to be healed here on earth, but for God to end her suffering and restore her body by taking her home quickly. I have felt guilty praying this way because I know we are told to pray for healing, believing that He will do it, and He will….and so often we think that means He’ll do it here on earth. I am not denying that He does choose to do that sometimes….but I wrestle with this.
I wrestle with this not because I don’t believe God can heal her but because I don’t want to pray believing He’s going to work in a specified way. So often I hear people pray “God, if it is your will, please heal this person…but if it is not, please take them home to you quickly” and I just want to yell “It IS His will to heal them….here or in heaven….either way they are healed!! DON’T YOU GET IT??” How can I pray for a person who is suffering from a horrible disease for which there is little hope of recovery here on earth, how can I pray for them to experience a complete physical recovery here on earth when I know they are Heaven bound? Isn’t that rather selfish of me? Why do I want them to be healed here on earth? Simply because I want to experience more of life with them….and I am not saying that desire is a bad thing. It’s not. It’s natural and fitting when we love someone to want to have more time with them and to be sad when we no longer have that. However when we think of what it is that they have to wait for when we ask to keep them here longer…well, to me it seems so selfish. It is me that will be missing her….she won’t be missing me. She’ll be dancing with Jesus. How do I ask for her to wait to do that??
So I wrestle. I pray. I continue to trust. I continue to believe in miracles but know that sometimes they don’t look quite like I think they should. I continue to say "God this really really sucks. I don't want to not have my mom around. But I am trusting you." And I continue to hold on to the knowledge that some day I'll see her again after she's gone...and she'll be happy and whole and dancing and cracking jokes and loving everyone around her just as she did before she got sick.
Gotta say though this inbetween time is really hard.