Monday, 19 September 2011

Don't Say It...Even If I Am

It is incredible to me how strong the desire to live is inside each of us; that even when we know that HEAVEN is what waits for us on “the other side” there is still often a reluctance to let go and just go, to move from life here on earth to life in Heaven.  I don’t quite understand it and I don’t know that I really realized how strong this will to live was, to keep on going, until a couple days ago when I went to visit my mom.

I see this in her.  My mom is dying.  We really cannot deny it. I am sure she knows it too as her body is slowly emaciated by pain, by the tumor, by the effects of death.  Yet the other day, the idea that others would say she is dying made her angry.  It was as if she could keep it from happening as long as it wasn’t said or like the person saying it is giving up hope, losing faith, by saying it, “Don’t say it…even if I am” were the words she spoke.

I can’t help but wonder: have we given up hope?  Have I given up hope?  By accepting what is inevitable, what I can see happening in front of me, am I losing faith?  Am I not trusting or believing in miracles?  Or am I accepting that sometimes the miracles simply don’t happen when we are here on this earth?  I have had moments when I have felt guilty over the last couple months as I have prayed, not for her to be healed here on earth, but for God to end her suffering and restore her body by taking her home quickly.  I have felt guilty praying this way because I know we are told to pray for healing, believing that He will do it, and He will….and so often we think that means He’ll do it here on earth.  I am not denying that He does choose to do that sometimes….but I wrestle with this.

I wrestle with this not because I don’t believe God can heal her but because I don’t want to pray believing He’s going to work in a specified way.  So often I hear people pray “God, if it is your will, please heal this person…but if it is not, please take them home to you quickly” and I just want to yell “It IS His will to heal them….here or in heaven….either way they are healed!! DON’T YOU GET IT??”  How can I pray for a person who is suffering from a horrible disease for which there is little hope of recovery here on earth, how can I pray for them to experience a complete physical recovery here on earth when I know they are Heaven bound?  Isn’t that rather selfish of me?  Why do I want them to be healed here on earth?  Simply because I want to experience more of life with them….and I am not saying that desire is a bad thing.  It’s not.  It’s natural and fitting when we love someone to want to have more time with them and to be sad when we no longer have that.  However when we think of what it is that they have to wait for when we ask to keep them here longer…well, to me it seems so selfish.  It is me that will be missing her….she won’t be missing me.  She’ll be dancing with Jesus.  How do I ask for her to wait to do that??

So I wrestle.  I pray.  I continue to trust.  I continue to believe in miracles but know that sometimes they don’t look quite like I think they should.  I continue to say "God this really really sucks.  I don't want to not have my mom around.  But I am trusting you."  And I continue to hold on to the knowledge that some day I'll see her again after she's gone...and she'll be happy and whole and dancing and cracking jokes and loving everyone around her just as she did before she got sick.

Gotta say though this inbetween time is really hard.

Friday, 16 September 2011

Love is in the Little Things

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about love the last few weeks and what it looks like.  I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not the big things….it’s the little things that show me and tell me that I am loved, that others around me are loved.  As I watch my dad love and care for my mom in these, her last days, I am overwhelmed by the look of adoration and pride and love that he looks at her with and the willing heart to serve her that is evident in all he does.  When I see my own man look at me with that same look I am reminded that love is in the day to day, in the moments we often take for granted. 
I used to be a girl who needed flowers and jewelry to believe that a man loved me but I have learned that those are easy things to do for someone…anyone can do them.  Would this girl love to receive flowers and jewelry from her man?  Sure.  But I’d trade all of the flowers and bling in the world for the intangible loving acts that happen every day throughout the day…Little things like…
-          Fixing my bike so we can go riding together, while I take a much needed nap…
-          Cleaning up the remains of the many “presents” my cats like to bring me that they leave laying around the yard.
-          Heading to the store early in the morning to get me real cream for my coffee because he knows I don’t like the powered stuff
-          Making the drive out to my place at the end of a long day of work simply because he can’t wait until the next day to see me
-          Talking with me for hours about whatever crosses our minds
-          Fixing dinner for me at the end of a day of work because he knows I’ve had a hard day
-          Texting me goodnight every night and good morning every morning so our day starts and ends with each other
-          Being affectionate with me no matter who is around….holding my hand, etc (appropriate PDA!!!)
-          Being proud of who I am and letting others know he is.
-          Praying for me and thanking God for me and for our relationship
These are just a few things of many that he does that tell me he loves me.  They are the day-to-day things that are hard to really describe sometimes and maybe on their own wouldn’t mean much but when you put them all together, add them all up, they spell a whole lot of love.  When you appreciate these things and recognize them for what they are they are the things that keep the love alive through the years.  It’s in serving each other and appreciating the opportunity to do so that makes these things special. 
Because love really is in the little things. Wouldn't you agree?