Confession

So I have a confession to make.

Yes.  A confession.  A revelation about myself that could make certain relationships slightly awkward for a short time nonetheless I am just going to come right out and say it.  And if you're wondering why I am telling you this confession, it's because I sometimes struggle with it...and maybe, by sharing that fact, not only will it help me but maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else.  And I have to start this blog with SOMETHING so why not this??!!  Okay so here goes:

I like sex.

There.  I said it.  Are you shocked??

You shouldn't be.  I obviously liked it enough after the first time (which wasn't the first time really) to do it a second time (I do have two children after all).  I forgot for a while that I liked it...in the last few years of my marriage, before we were separated, when the relationship was deteriorating.  Then I found myself single again and I remembered I liked it again.

I wish I could say I have only ever had sex with 1 man, my former husband, but that's not the case.  I wish I could say that since we separated I didn't engage in it with anyone else, that it's been 4 years and 3 months since the last time, but that's not the case either.  I had a warped view of sex for many years, for some very good reasons (post for another time), that I needed to work through, that God needed to change for me.

THANK GOD HE DID. 

This last week I was hit with a very strong desire to share my bed with someone.  Not sure what prompted this feeling, this desire.  It rather came out of nowhere, or so I would like to think.  I thought about it long and hard all day today as I went about my business quietly.  I came to a realization.

This desire came straight on the heels of a period of time in which I hadn't been spending as much time with God as I need to.  I left the door open...and desire walked right in.

Before I say anything more, you can relax.  It took some fighting, like full-on kung-fu ninja fighting, but I eventually kicked that Desire right back out the door it came through but I know it's still hanging out on the doorstep waiting for a chance to come barging through that door again.  I'm not naive.  It's like candy...once you've tasted how sweet it is it is very hard to resist it again.  However, it's just sugar...it's not good for me, it's pleasure only lasts for a brief moment and eventually it rots my teeth out.

I have been thinking lots lately about the correlation between how much time a person spends with God and their ability to withstand attacks from Satan.  I know that I have GOT to stay in the routine of spending time with God if I want to keep being able to slam the door on the things that could hurt me, the things that could cause me to sin.  I know that if I don't do that, I am lost.  See it's a relationship we have.  When we're in a relationship with someone we have to spend time with them, talk to them, listen to them, get to know them and they you.  When you stop communicating and spending time together, you stop knowing each other as well as you did once.  A day here or a day there is probably not going to undo things but when that day stretches into days into months into years...you lose contact completely.  When you lose that connection you can't know how to conduct yourself anymore. 

So. I like sex.  But I gotta tell ya....as much as I might want it in the moment (well, not THIS moment...but you know what I mean), I know that it's so worth waiting for...waiting for the one man who is going to commit to me and love me, with whom it's the icing on the cake that is our relationship, our marriage.  I'm told that in that relationship it's mind blowingly awesome.....I'll admit I find it hard to imagine.  But if it's as amazing as they say it is, I am willing to wait to find out.  I'm just going to have to keep close to God so as to keep slamming the door on that pesky thing called Desire because I like sex...but I like me more.

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Here are some great blog posts about sex and relationships and God's view of both.  There are others out there but I love that Lauren is young, hip, and in tune with today's culture and so very passionate about this topic.  She puts into words my own thoughts and experience so much better than I do...maybe because she spends more time writing than I do.  Anyway, check 'em out if you're interested.

I Was A Prostitute - The Truth About Sex  - I'll warn you.  This post hits hard.  But it's a must read.  Really.

Sex, Faith, Men - What I Never Knew  - Another good one....wish I could have written it!!!