I Know the Plans...

The rings

I'm planning a wedding.  I met a man.  We shook hands for months.  I finally noticed him.  We went on a date...and haven't looked back.  Exactly a month later my mom passed away.  He was by my side the whole time.  And now we're getting married.  I can't begin to put into words how I feel...

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future..." (Jeremiah 29:11, TNIV)

This has long been my mom's verse and one she claimed for me, gave to me.  She believed in this verse for herself and for me.  And if she ever wavered in that I never knew it.  But I wavered.  Many many times I wavered.  And in my wavering I made poor choices.  And I began to believe that no good would ever come into my life.  I wanted more and I hoped for more but I stopped believing it would ever really happen.

It is no accident that I met this man, fell in love, and am now going to be his wife.  God knew exactly who my heart needed. And I may not know what our future holds or where this is going to take us but I know that whatever is to come He's already got under control.

"I know the plans...plans to prosper...not to harm...to give hope and a future."

Thank you God for never wavering even when I do. 

Don't Say It...Even If I Am

It is incredible to me how strong the desire to live is inside each of us; that even when we know that HEAVEN is what waits for us on “the other side” there is still often a reluctance to let go and just go, to move from life here on earth to life in Heaven.  I don’t quite understand it and I don’t know that I really realized how strong this will to live was, to keep on going, until a couple days ago when I went to visit my mom.

I see this in her.  My mom is dying.  We really cannot deny it. I am sure she knows it too as her body is slowly emaciated by pain, by the tumor, by the effects of death.  Yet the other day, the idea that others would say she is dying made her angry.  It was as if she could keep it from happening as long as it wasn’t said or like the person saying it is giving up hope, losing faith, by saying it, “Don’t say it…even if I am” were the words she spoke.

I can’t help but wonder: have we given up hope?  Have I given up hope?  By accepting what is inevitable, what I can see happening in front of me, am I losing faith?  Am I not trusting or believing in miracles?  Or am I accepting that sometimes the miracles simply don’t happen when we are here on this earth?  I have had moments when I have felt guilty over the last couple months as I have prayed, not for her to be healed here on earth, but for God to end her suffering and restore her body by taking her home quickly.  I have felt guilty praying this way because I know we are told to pray for healing, believing that He will do it, and He will….and so often we think that means He’ll do it here on earth.  I am not denying that He does choose to do that sometimes….but I wrestle with this.

I wrestle with this not because I don’t believe God can heal her but because I don’t want to pray believing He’s going to work in a specified way.  So often I hear people pray “God, if it is your will, please heal this person…but if it is not, please take them home to you quickly” and I just want to yell “It IS His will to heal them….here or in heaven….either way they are healed!! DON’T YOU GET IT??”  How can I pray for a person who is suffering from a horrible disease for which there is little hope of recovery here on earth, how can I pray for them to experience a complete physical recovery here on earth when I know they are Heaven bound?  Isn’t that rather selfish of me?  Why do I want them to be healed here on earth?  Simply because I want to experience more of life with them….and I am not saying that desire is a bad thing.  It’s not.  It’s natural and fitting when we love someone to want to have more time with them and to be sad when we no longer have that.  However when we think of what it is that they have to wait for when we ask to keep them here longer…well, to me it seems so selfish.  It is me that will be missing her….she won’t be missing me.  She’ll be dancing with Jesus.  How do I ask for her to wait to do that??

So I wrestle.  I pray.  I continue to trust.  I continue to believe in miracles but know that sometimes they don’t look quite like I think they should.  I continue to say "God this really really sucks.  I don't want to not have my mom around.  But I am trusting you."  And I continue to hold on to the knowledge that some day I'll see her again after she's gone...and she'll be happy and whole and dancing and cracking jokes and loving everyone around her just as she did before she got sick.

Gotta say though this inbetween time is really hard.

No More Made Up Parts

“God dwells within me, as me” – Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I watched this movie tonight and while there were many quotable lines within it, this one leaped out at me. I remember it from reading the book…I think I might have even underlined it.

I can’t say I totally agree with what she is saying here however I do believe there is some truth to it àGod created me to be me and no one else. The world has ideas as to who I should be and what I should do but all I need to do is what God has made me to do. All I need to be is who He designed me to be. That’s it.

So who is the woman living in my home? Is she an actress simply playing a part, a part that is not really her? Or is she exactly who she is meant to be? Is she herself, living the part she is meant to live?

I honestly don’t know the answer to that question. I think, quite possibly, that I am a bit of both…A woman who, for much of my life, has lived as the person I thought that I was supposed to be, that I thought I was expected to be based on the ideas and desires of others. And yet, through those years there has always been a part of me that has fought against those things, those ideas.

“’I know the plans I have for you,’ says the Lord.”(Jeremiah 29:11)

“All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (Psalm 139:16)

These are just two of numerous verses found in the Bible that talk about how God knows me, all of me, knew me before I even existed, and has a plan for me. It’s not random. He’s created me to be who I am, with the personality, skills, talents, gifts, quirks and craziness that make up who I am. He’s made me exactly who I am supposed to be. The trick is taking the time, making the effort, SLOWING DOWN MY LIFE long enough to let Him show me who that is, to actually see who that is, and then to accept and live in that.

I’m not very good at slowing down, at giving myself room to breathe, to really be quiet and just listen. I’m quite miserable at it actually. But I am realizing that I need to get better at it. I don’t know if I will ever see all the parts of the whole that He desires me to be but I do know that as I take the time to listen and to just be I will see far more of them than I can even imagine possible right now. I am loving all that I see now, with a few exceptions (like that darn muffin top that I can’t seem to get rid of….and maybe don’t really care about anymore), and am excited to see more. I am excited to see exactly what the purposes and plans are that He has for me. I take comfort in knowing that I don’t have to be anyone I am not and while some may not always like who I am, it only matters that I am who God wants me to be and He’ll take care of the rest.

I am learning to live this life real, as me, no more made up parts.

How about you? Are you living as the person God has created you to be or are you playing a part? Are you stuck in a role you never chose for yourself because of circumstance or choices? If you’re playing a part that isn’t fitting, ask God for a new script, one written by Him. And if you are stuck, take comfort in the knowledge that while you may not be able to change your circumstances, you can, with His help, change who you are in them. All you have to do is want to be who God wants you to be, look to him to show you who that person is and then live what he shows you. But be ready…it’s going to be one hell of a ride!

A Mom's Heart

I dropped my oldest child off at camp this afternoon.  A pretty normal thing for a mom to do in the summer and not an experience I am unfamiliar with.  But today it was hard.

This year she didn't want to go to camp and I was a mean mom and made her go anyway.  It's good for her.  She just didn't want to go because she's 11 and moody and it's a camp that's new to her.  She was going if I had to drag her there kicking and screaming.

So why was it so hard for me to drive away today?

I think there are a few reasons not the least of which is that we have grown really close this summer and I have seen huge changes in her that thrill my heart to pieces...and I have a feeling she's going to be still more changed when she comes back from camp.  I love the young woman she's becoming but I sure do miss my baby girl...and every day is another day farther from the baby and closer to teh grown woman. 

Another reason is she's at the age now where what others think of you is really starting to matter.  She's gorgeous, inside and out.  She's smart and funny and talented and athletic and just completely wonderful and I can't help but be a little worried that others won't see what I see...that SHE won't see what I see.  Being the age that she is it's easy for feelings to be hurt, misunderstandings to occur, and I am feeling a little worried that someone will do just that while she is away and I am not there to comfort her broken heart. 

And lastly...it was hard for me to drive away from camp with just her brother in the car because honestly, I am a little afraid he's going to drive me completely insane this week.  No lie.  The kid talks and talks and talks....about all kinds of things that I really am not all that interested in or that involve so many details (and questions) I just can't keep it all straight in my head!  I love him, he's my baby, but he has a the capability of driving me completely mental.  And I am kinda afraid he's going to burn down the house while he's home on his own and I am at work! 

In all seriousness though, it's going to be a strange week with just her brother and I.  I miss my girl big time.  We had a great week together last week when her brother was at camp.  I know it's going to be a great week with him while she's away.  It's just a bit strange. 

I am thrilled that my kids have the chance to attend camp each summer.  It's only because of the generosity of others that they get this opportunity as I couldn't afford it on my own.  It's such a blessing.  My prayer is that, while my daughter is at camp this year, she'll not only make friends with some really great girls, friendships that carry forward into the coming years, but that she'll encounter God like she never has before and that she'll come home with a new sense of her worth and the confidence that comes from knowing she matters to Him.  While she is gone, this mother's heart is going to be praying hard for her....knowing that this summer could change everything for her.


As a parent, have you ever had a moment in your child's life that you felt was pivotal in shaping how the coming days went?  Ever taken your kid to camp?  How did you feel, how did you deal with those feelings and what came out of it?

And Who Are You?

I once wandered into a room full of people I didn’t really know and someone looked up and casually, innocently, asked “And who are you?”  I answered with the expected answer, my name, and the conversation went from there, innocent, easy and completely without agenda. 

That question, though, has stuck with me.  For years I have wondered who I was in terms of where I fit, in the church and then the world around me.  The things that I was passionate about didn’t seem to jive with what I was taught, mostly by the examples set before me, were acceptable.  The people I found myself surrounded with weren’t the ones that were the preferred company for a girl, a woman, in the church to be spending her time with.  The things I said, the things I did, were all outside the acceptable conventional norms for a Christian woman.

According to the unspoken teachings of the church, I AM A FAILURE.

I have never been a “good Christian woman”.  I am not overly domestic despite the fact I love my children with all my heart. I am (I can admit this now!) a horrible housekeeper even though I can organize the crap out of everything.  I try to save, and do have a little savings happening, but I am only now getting better at not spending more than I make in a month.  I have debts and at times it feels like I am up to my eyeballs in them even though I know that’s not true….and I am paying them off, slowly. I hate wearing long skirts, haha! I will never homeschool my children, at least not the two I have now!  I don’t attend women’s Bible studies or brunches.  I don’t garden.  I wear 5” heels and look damn good when I do.   I swear.  I drink.  I dance. I have a tattoo and am getting more.  I have piercings and am getting more.  I have dear close friends who aren’t Christians.  I don’t make meals for those in crisis or who just had babies.  I don’t volunteer to teach Sunday school.  I am divorced.  I go to bars and pubs and enjoy spending time with people there.  I am outspoken, strongly opinionated and blunt.  I read Proverbs 31 and think “That woman was on speed!” because there is no way she could have done all of those things and still slept and secretly hate her for being so impossible to measure up to.

I AM A FAILURE. BUT AM I???

Satan would certainly like me to believe that I am.  After all, he is a total asshole who wants nothing more than to destroy those who are passionately and madly in love with Jesus.  Which I am, even if I don’t get up an hour before I really need to in order to spend those first quiet moments of the day with him….although maybe I should…but that’s a post for another day.

SO WHO AM I?  WHAT AM I?? 

I AM REAL.  I AM EXACTLY WHO GOD WANTS ME TO BE.  I AM A CHRISTIAN WOMAN.

I love my children with all my heart and work hard to provide for their needs, making sure they have all that they need and some of what they want.  I love my family and my friends and while I am not always very good at expressing that love, because the deep emotion that I feel when it comes to them just makes me want to cry and I hate that, but I am working on it.  I love children, all children, and while I may not enjoy teaching in a classroom, I love spending time with the children of my friends, loving them, teaching them in the context of relationship through action and words whatever they need to know.  I love talking to people, hearing their stories, being their friend and supporting them however I can….even though they may live in ways I don’t choose to live in or agree with at all.  I have a tattoo that starts conversations, that is part of my testimony.  My non-church friends think I am the coolest religious chick they know because I accept them just as they are. I have piercings because I think they are cool. I drink beer and wine because I hate pop and most juice. I dance because music is part of my soul and I can’t stand still.   I am divorced because I chose to take a stand against abuse and end the cycle of that.  I see the hurting and the broken in the world around me and my heart breaks for those who are breaking.  I have a passion to see people who are living in bondage and with the horrors of all types of abuse step out of that, find freedom and healing and hope, no matter who they are in that picture, abused or abuser.  I want to see more lives changed because they have experienced God’s grace, mercy, love, and acceptance while still being held accountable for their wrong-doings.  I long to see people rescued from a life of addiction before it ever gets to that point. I love to have people in my home as part of our lives, not as guests to be entertained but as family. I am transparent and honest and bold.  I am forgiven.  

So I may not be quite what others think I should be but I am who God made me to be.  He’s given me this heart of mine, these passions of mine.  He’s crafted my interests, skills and gifts just the way he wants them to be.  He wrote the song that is sung in my heart.  I don’t need to be anyone’s idea of what the ideal Christian woman is.  In the eyes of Jesus, I AM EXACTLY WHO HE HAS DESIGNED ME TO BE, therefore in his eyes….

I AM A COMPLETE SUCCESS!!

I AM ME.

WHAT ABOUT YOU?  Do you struggle with feeling like you don’t quite measure up to the expectations of people?  Do you wonder at times (or maybe all the time) where you fit in the world of church that we have created for ourselves?  What has God taught you or shown you as you have wrestled with these things?

Satan is......

NOTE:  I wrote this a few days ago after a conversation with a friend about how Satan often tricks us with his lies, his deceit….which made me say “Damn Satan sure is an asshole”.  We chuckled…but it got me thinking about how that’s really true…and how so many people we encounter today resemble him…I hesitated to post this because I was worried what others might think…which I realized today was exactly what Satan wanted me to do…hesitate, worry about that and not post it.  So here it is.

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Satan is an asshole.

Yes, you read that right. I said it. I really did.

SATAN IS AN ASSHOLE.

I said this recently in conversation with someone who was talking about how they had come to believe some stuff that was CLEARLY not true about themselves and about God. I listened to what they said and then blurted it out "Satan is an asshole". I had no other response for them except that.

And it's true.

In fact, he's the ultimate asshole. He's the father of all of them. Think about it.  Do you recognize anyone in the statements below?

Satan tells us lies.  He tells us things about ourselves, about God, about others around us that just aren’t true.  That we suck or that God doesn’t exist or that people hate us.  All lies.

Satan likes to manipulate and trick us into doing things that aren't good for us. The list here is endless…sex, money, drugs/booze, trophies, you name it.  All geared towards us feeling happy but often are things that aren’t good for us physically or emotionally/spiritually. 

Satan steals things from us - joy, innocence, peace, life (to name a few).  He really doesn’t want to see us enjoy the lives we have…he wants to see us miserable and unhappy and discontent and horrid.  And so he uses the lies and the manipulations to steal good things from us. 

Satan rejoices when bad stuff happens to people.  When someone gets cancer, he’s saying “serves them right”.  When someone loses their job, he’s saying “haha sucker!”  When someone’s marriage falls apart, he’s saying “hehehe….I KNEW it wouldn’t last!!”  You name it…he’s rejoicing…because he loves the bad stuff.

But there is a HUGE HUGE HUGE difference between Satan and the people that look quite a bit like him here on this earth (by the way…that’s all of us at some point or another whether we want to admit it or not)…

THERE IS HOPE FOR ASSHOLES….at least the ones here on earth, still living, still walking around in their worlds doling out pain and heartache on those around them.  Yes.  THERE IS HOPE.  See, we humans weren’t always that way…we really weren’t.  Once upon a time two humans, Adam and Eve, walked in this beautiful garden with God, in face-to-face relationship with him.  Pretty crazy, eh?  And life was good.  It was so good they didn’t ever have to do laundry.   Seriously.  They just walked around naked.  And totally okay with it.  No shame whatsoever. Nothing to hide. I gotta say that sounds pretty heavenly – not having to do laundry I mean.  But I digress!!

Back to the story….

Yea so that was all before that ASSHOLE snake Satan showed up on the scene.  And made Eve an offer she apparently couldn’t refuse.  And of course, Adam couldn’t resist those big eyes of Eve’s and joined her in the offer.  And that’s when humans became assholes…in fact it was in that moment when the first finger pointing happened…and God said “I really wish you hadn’t done that…because now you’ve disobeyed my request and our relationship here on earth can never be the same again.” And everything changed….

BUT JESUS CAME TO EARTH AND DIED ON A CROSS AND TOTALLY KICKED SATAN’S FIRE-Y ASS TO HELL AND BACK AGAIN A FEW TIMES OVER.  Really.  Seriously.  He did that.  FOR US.  So we wouldn’t have to be jackasses all our lives.  HOW AWESOME IS THAT?  It was a gift…called ETERNAL LIFE rather than DEATH and it’s ours for the accepting.  EVEN THOUGH WE DIDN’T and still don’t DESERVE IT AT ALL!!!!

Best part?  SATAN DOESN’T GET THAT GIFT!!  It’s not for him.  IT IS ONLY FOR US.  So yes.  Satan is an asshole of great proportions but GOD IS SO MUCH BIGGER.  And because of His Grace we can be different than him…IF WE CHOOSE to accept the gift and once again, as I describe it to my kids, become friends with Jesus. 

I think THAT is pretty damn cool.